(dis)repair

hammered nails into my body in a line down my stomach and down my spine, and in a few other smaller places. my skin started to come undone. i tried to hide it. i tried to sew it back up but i was in pieces

dog sitting

i was supposed to dog sit the neighbors dog and when they brought it over, they were carrying an enormous octopus that they put on my floor and it just strted crawling around. anything it engulfed its tentacles it could freeze and i had other pets around and it tried to freeze them, i put my hand out and it froze my hand too but then it unfroze. it was just a little scary.
i had someone over who was supposed to help me but she was kind of an asshole. she was supposed to help feed my other pets because i kept over sleeping and she forget and said she thought i had professionals for that. the next day i woke up and out my window saw kids and assumed they were going to school but the lady said it was 3pm so i guess they were walking home from school, which i should have realized based on the direction and the color of the sky and that stuck out to me. she had all sorts of kombuchas and i wanted to try them and once i did i couldnt stop drinking them and then i just fell asleep again.

falling

up high on a building, really high, on the roof with others. we were doing something planned and supposed to come down like normal, but something happened and we couldnt, and we were too high up for anyone to reach us so we had to jump. to my death i was certain, and it scared me tremendously. everyone acted like it made so much sense, didnt bat an eye, and i was a mess, unable to be soothed, trying to follow along but last in line, for i did not want to fall to my death. we had to cross the large roof to the other end and at one point it was as narrow as a balance beam, and there i really saw how high up we were and i almost fell off right there but i caught myself scream cried crawled my way up to everyone else, who werent in the same state as i. they were more accepting of the situation. when we get to the other end, it becomes obvious we arent just free falling, and the roof slopes down and theres levels to it, like a big staircase and we just have to jump a little at a time. why didnt anyone tell me? i thought i was going to die. i was being so dramatic but it just sounded so bad. this dream made me think about tradition and how sometimes it seems evil but when you accept it, you realize its a tried and true method that gets you to where you need to be along with everyone else and in certain situations its needed. my conception and creation alone can never live up to tradition because im just a person and tradition exists because a bunch of people do something and perfect it over time.

grocery store

older woman apologizes for being rude to me at a fashion show. we becomes friends and i only spend time with her in groups. she takes me and a few others to a store that sells clothes that look like they's for american girl dolls, except the russian version, and they're human. it's not my type of store but part of me thinks maybe it is. i follow everyone instead and am led to the back which is where we were really going - a grocery store. ecept it's not really a grocery store, as soon as i walk in i notice everything moves and looks different. its like a game and i dont know the rules. you cant turn around, you can only keep going but its impossible to stay on a straight path. reality keeps glitching in front of me. the no ones buying anything, they're all navigating the maze to get to the other side. i see sam go to a certain door but it isnt obvious how to get there. i walk and stare at my reflection but can only see my profile. i get lost in the grocery ailes. i try my best to retrace my steps and go where sam went, which helps reality a little bit. i realize i can just follow everyone around me who has done this before and i'll get to where i need to go. then it becomes beuatiful and my anxiety about it fades bc i get to enjoy the visuals. i float on a mattress down a tropical aquarium then come out in a little village with relaxing ambient noise of others. i still dont know where to go, but i see others are walking along buildings and walls with their hands outstretched touching the surfaces of the structures so i do the same and when i do, knit fabrics and the like appear where i touched and they stay there leaving evidence of my touch. i keep dragging along my finger as i walk and follow and eventually i see L and Sam sitting together on a bench, talking. im so happy i found them

closer

nap time like in school, but i can't tell where we are. post office maybe. i start to fall in love with the fully grown messenger, because we know things about each other. other people around us are trying to sleep, but at the same time we are separate from them. we are friends. we whisper secrets to each other. i whisper things i've never told anyone, thinking it would make him hesitant to touch me, he doesn't hear me, i repeat myself and it doesnt have the effect i thought it would. we get closer and we're in the same bed and we are wearing less clothes. we are half asleep and he gets closer and holds me our skin is touching it feels so good and i want to get closer but we can't yet.
the next day i go to his house to get closer. i tell him secrets again, afterwards, because im happy everything has happened but i begin to regret. i worried im directing the scene. i leave and go exploring in the basement tunnels of suny purchase library, someone has a bedroom hidden in them. is it my bedroom? when did i stay there? im afraid of the dark. i'd felt better if someone was there with me

versace

i meet donatella versace, she says the clothes are made for my body im at a weird club all dressed up its easy to get in but difficult to get out i enter wearing versace and the bouncer judges my appearance which is how you get in. i think i wont be judged well but he says i have a fat ass (as a compliment) and lets me in. i go to a large swing with the other women recently let in and sit with them. the swing eventually moves once its full and its a bit much, going upside down. one woman doesn't handle the swing experience very well. i realize im undercover.
i get in and change my clothes, aware that it will be hard to leave and things will be blocking me from leaving both physically and mentally. i see a guy who was in a show i liked and he followed me on instagram, except it was months ago and i wasnt over my ex. i see him this time and explain the situation and surprisingly he remembers me and since im over my ex now we can flirt. i follow him and we have to climb over big pillow piles its difficult and im better at it when he isnt watching me. we get to a party theres live music its like college but he wants to get his car and take me somewhere else i agree so i follow him out the door and we drive he makes me drive he disappears for a moment and we're at his place then a woman comes out of nowhere and thats his girlffriend ! i had no idea. my opinion of him changes. i feel stuck at their place tho i dont know the way out and juno is there for some reason and she has her own room.

kanye west

i was somewhere where there was lots of people moving around in an organized way. like a school but also like a shopping center. kanye west came out of nowhere and started talking to me. i couldnt believe it. i think i was making some sort of sound that he thought was cool but i had a hard time even registering what he was saying because i was so surprised. he was wearing a black balaclava and i was too and i was trying to tell him we were matching. he was also wearing a big black hoodie and baggy black jeans and sunglasses. other people noticed him and it turned into a class and he said our assignment was to act out shrek except no assigned roles we were all characters at all times. he said he'll start and made some kind of barn animal like noise, everyone else followed suit. eventually people incorporated their own dialogue. it was funny and between laughs i tried to make a rooster sound. it felt kind of hard to come up with sounds. kanye made a knocking sound. someone said "donkey" we all laughed. i felt like i should leave bc i remembered why i was there in the first place, to get a toothbrush, but some guy said it was ok this was part of the curriculum i was assigned to based on my interests. i relaxed a bit.
in the shower a bit later, someone came in the bathroom to wash her hands. she said im the archetype of the boyfriend. more people come in while im showering to hang out.

elevator bitch

going to and from paris - NYC 3 times in a week. unclear why i couldnt just stay there. entire dream was enroute, airports then as soon as i landed i had to go back. neverending travel and lengthy travel as well. unrested, rushing, irritated, waste of time. i want to be in paris not just always getting to paris. after the second time (but what felt like the hundredth) getting off in ny, i had to rush to get my bags and check them before egtting on another flight to paris. i was trying to deal with it quickly and early so i could relax but there were many different floors so i decided to take an elevator instead of stairs since i only had 20-30 minutes until takeoff. i had to go to floor 12 but there was no 12 button so i pressed 1 and 2. there was someone else in the elevator but we didnt really speak. the elevator went crazy up and down up and down and then stopped but wouldnt open. it didnt feel like it took all that long but once i got out (startled from all that cuz um worst nightmare obvi) i realized it had been hours and the flight already left. part of me was disappointed bc i wouldnt be going back to paris and i was letting down whoever i was traveling with (seemed vaguely work related but i was also friendly with the two other people) but the other part was fine because the traveling was exhausting and now i could relax. i texted one of the people i was traveling with and said i got trapped in an elevator and thats why i wasnt on the flight-- she totally understood. got a text from the other person i was traveling with and she was very accusatory like "where are you bitch?" and i said "i got stuck in an elevator maybe have some compassion bitch"

moving

i moved to sleepy hollow and it was like returning home after a long long time. i did some work at morse school where i went to 2nd grade it wasnt just a school, had a lot of commerical use but looked basically the same. such a gorgeous school i always got lost there. first i worked at a hair salon there i tried on some wigs in my down time but mostly just cleaned up after the haircutters because there was purple shampoo everywhere. i changed jobs like i was in school and there were periods, went to a different room had a different job. the next job period was under the school something to do with theater i think and i was leading groups of people getting ready to perform. at the end of the day i won an award for most attractive new hire, along with 3 other new hires and i felt a little weird/confused by it and they handed me a card that said my special talent was "teamwork" and that made me feel a little better, like it wasnt all about appearances. escalator going up from underground near the playground which i took and emerged from the dark theater out into the daytime and the view was insande like griffiths observatory in LA, just an amazing amount to see that would mever actually happen in NY. new height and new scenes and i felt i was tiny standing in a concrete bowl. i just stood and marveled and saw some guys in the far off distance racing gokarts or motorbikes or something. it was cool to watch but i felt like i was in the way so i left.

roommate

staying at roberta's place and the apartment is bigger than i remember. i needed a place to stay for a while for some reason and she let me crash. she has a tiny dog that i love. roberta is upset because she has to get s divorce and was only married a year so it felt like a failure. she has 5 million dollars in a "fake" bank account which was definitely illegal so she withdrew most of the money and gave it to me (presumably to hide) i keep wondering who her husband is. someone named michael seigal comes over unnanounced and he and roberta start doing massive amounts of cocaine. roberta goes in a different room when she can, because she hates michale seigal but feels fine about using him for cocaine. he's an older guy, older than her. i try talking to him but he starts flirting with me so i get up and tell him i don't like men. he understands. he and roberta get so high and i have a work call but they want to go to a casino. i feel like they shoul dbe alone because they're so fucked up they aren't even making sense. they say the casino is just downstairs, so i tell work i'm having tech issues and go downstairs with them. we sit at the bar, and roberta and miachel siegal are screaming the most disorganized speech i've ever heard. the people next to us keep asking me what roberta and michael siegal are on. we go back upstairs and roberta leaves. it's unclear if she goes into hiding, kills herself, escapes the cops, etc. i am left alone with her tiny dog and large fireplace that i can't stop staring at. a cop shows up to ask me questions about her "fake: bank account, i try to stay calm but seduce him instead so his feeling for me cloud the investigation .

satire

i write in depth about growing up, mental illness, and my own experience both suffering and recovering. everyone who reads it says it's great satire and it makes me laugh that i accidentally created satire, but i think it's a good thing because i'd rather be satirical in my delivery than too earnest.

wolves/home

too many people standing on an old weak floor. i am one of the people. we laugh nervously and disperse before exiting. i exit into a bookstore/hair salon/mall/house. i am searching and i realize i am in a maze that makes it impossible to retrace my steps. i see funhouse mirrors and feel scared. i need to meet someone but the person i'm meeting, i don't really want to see. i guess i'm looking for him. i leave the maze somehow and the guy i'm meeting finds me outside. he gives me something from his backpack
i am in croton but it's different. people keep to themselves and they all know each other and refuse to let outsiders in. i feel like an outsider but i know i'm not. i'm looking at everyone and everything and everyone is looking away. i walk around town with bits of chocolate glued to my body, clothes, and hair. i tip toe and dance and find my way to ancient, historic, stone houses that people still ive in, but they are from a different time. it's a village in a village that is of a different generation, a more ancient one. they are all dressed rally cool like early 1900s and i want to hang out with them but i know i don't fit in because i am not ancient. i keep wandering and retrace my steps a bit. one of the stone house village locals smiles at me. i am suddenly no longer wearing shoes and i try to walk along a stone curb but its narrow and the sun makes it too hot. i see a guy on a bicycle ride on it no problem and that makes me want to try again, but i don't, i just walk home. one the way home, i pass a creepy old church that is also obviously from a different era. a service is in progress and only a few people are inside. it is a small church afterall. i can see the whole thing from just one spot in the ground because of all the windows. it looks dark, but as i get closer it lights up and i enter and see it's all women, also from the early 1900s and the person leading the service is laying on a bed. the decorations are fabulous.
then, i am at home. there are wolves. they are sort of friendly sometimes. one gets in the bath with me, making me even dirtier that i was before bathing. the other wolvs just sit ad watch me. i like the wolves but they intimidate me.

girlfriend

my job is no longer fully remote so i have to go into the office sometimes but the office is partially outdoors and not much happens. my girlfriend doesn't work with me but she stops by to say hi every day. it is never a problem but then out of nowhere my boss says if she sees my girlfriend again, she will deduct $15 from my paycheck each time she sees her. i don't believe she will really do that. my girlfriend comes by to say hi and give me a kiss for just a second and my boss sees her and deducts the $15. i tell my girlfriend what is happening and we both can't believe it is happening. she leaves. it starts to rain and since the office isn't full inside, i get rained on while i am working at my standing desk. i have a closet outside too and change my clothes to leave work and hang out with my girlfriend.

family therapy

i got to family therapy with my mom, only she is the therapist giving therapy to a family and i am tagging along for some reason. we are at the familiy's house -- she knows them and has been working with them but i've never met them. one of the members of the family is wearing my shorts because my mom let her borrow it without asking me. for some reason, i don't mind, it makes me happy. the family seems cool at first but they start to wear on me. i put lotion on my hands just a little bit because that's all i need. the family tells me i did it wrong and convince me to cover my whole body in as much lotion as possible. then they get mad at me because since i'm covered in lotion, i get it all over their couch i'm sitting on and they say i have to clean it. i say obviously it's their fault for suggesteing i use a crazy amount of lotion. they get mad at me for pointing out their faults.

reality tv

i meet god. she is an old lady judge on a reality tv show contest except the reality tv show is life itself and the prize for winning isn't clear. i have to climb up 10 sttep steps to get to god standing on a little landing and i have to face her. it is a dizzying climb and is for everyone, i am reassured. people prearpaed me before this climb, saying once i stood there she would judge me and her judgement would affect the rest of my life.standing there, all she says is "you have a lot of nerve, a lot more nerve than anyone here. i am impressed" and she means it all in a positive way. i get in a fight with people standing below getting ready for their judgement and i try to school them on picking the right words vs the wrong words. i climb down the other side of the steps and go to the next room. i have a threesome with 2 other women and one plans to take me to a spa after. i tell my old best friend i want to move to virginia. i yell at someone for being inauthentic and insecure. some people call me grandma as a joke and i tell them not to or at least, not all the time.

library

library book tshirt i take it out of the book and put it into a bowl of water and carry it around like soup and i set off the sensor because i don't check out (i don't think i need since all i have is the shirt from the book, not the book itself)

nyc

i walk around nyc looking at what poeple are selling outside and i feel a little neurotic so i say hey how you doin?" to everyone i walk by and they say it back and i feel better, because it means ive been witnessed. i find incredibly soft pajama pants and buy them

theater

the theater is a performance and meditative experience. the theater throws you around to let go, and form a pose, and it will be the same as everyone else in the row, because it is dependant on how you are thrown, you will most certainly let go. its hard to leave because i have never relaxed until participating in the theater.

landscape as character

finding books at thrift stores. i always pick the best ones. i have to present the next morning in class. i've presented twice at this point. i find a book that is all photography of art in nature and as i show the class the pages they are pleased. i flip to my favorite part of the book which has some new kind of technology that allows you to feel the reality of the landscape. a passage about moss and algae on a lake and a greyish drawing of it, if you touch this drawing you can feel the mushy algae and the mossy border of the lake, then the next page had the same technology and was about a the cold water running through a stream in the woods and when you touch that it feels like cold running water but each time you pick your finger up there's nothing on it and its completely dry. just the sensation and i remember the sensation. after flipping through the rest of the book my prof thanked me and told me i always find such great things, even if they are always a bit dark.

creation

front tooth loose. i kiss a man with paint on his lips, then press my lips to paper and slide them all around. walking is difficult so i sit down in a chair. the man i kiss says nice ride i say you too.

dead cat

my dead cat custard is alive again and has carboard wrapped around her permanentley and i cant get it off because she is too fast. i read a book with someone, at the same time, silently. we take notes and draw in the margins. i keep losing my place in the material but i enjoy it.then all the rest of my dead cats were there, alive and one of looks like a sheep or maybe a duck and it bites my finger

curious

someone ate my pizza

illness

apples have cockroaches on them. i leave the apples in the basement. more cockroaches come into being, and they're huge. i eat one of the apples, oblivious, feeling ill like maybe cockroaches were inside of me. i can't deal with the infestation myself but i feel bad about asking for help.

natural

i have to write on my face, i say i've done it before

fish

fish drawing contest while observing fish in fish tanks. i get distracted by all the crazy looking fish and take a while to start drawing. there is a gallery exhibit nearby and i try to peek over to see what it is. someone else drawing fish says i'm not allowed to go to the exhbit until i finish drawing my fish. i say "i wasn't going to the exhibit i was just taking a quick peek you fucking bitch." i hate my fish drawing. most people are drawing on large pieces of paper. i take a much smaller piece, and when i finish my drawing, i rip off all the edges of the paper so it becomes really tiny.

home

trying to get home from somewhere, my plans go awry. maybe had a car at some point but don't anymore. stranded in sleepy hollow i decide to take the train since its the hudson line. i am lifted from behind into a floating train-like sky lift contraption. there are seats that are more secure in the back, but i stay on the bench in the front which is unstable. i consider moving but i dont. im not sure why. i hold on with only one hand, the other holds a book. no one else is in the "train" with me. it is all open like a trolley. no one is driving it, it just floats along an invisible path. i pass by a familiar manor, and there is a small waterfall. the rocks above the water falling spell out "homosexual" i laugh
the train floats on further and passes by a campsite. there are about 6-10 tents/yurts with people inside, some empty, some lit up somehow. then further into the site, there are enormous platform beds layed out in a grid (about 10 of them) next to the yurts. all of the beds have tan sheets. some are empty and neat, some are empty with messy sheets, some have people sleeping in them. i wonder how they feel about their privacy and feel jealous that they get to sleep so much. the train takes me to the real train at the station, but still it is not a real train that can take me home yet. the station is a business and they have some kind of social food game. it doesnt make sense. the people who work there introduce the business to me as they hold a jumprope on either end, but it's obvious its just for show. they put the jumprope away and lead me to a food court. when i get there, i'm the only one. then suddenly, its crowded. i realize i'm hungry and hope that since i was there first i can get a seat and eat. the people working are trying to coordinate everyone and i get sat with these two girls who look about 17. they seem embarrassed to sit with me. i try to turn away from them so they know they dont have to talk to me. then, workers come over and move us again, to a bigger table. the two teenage girls look uncomfortable but it's not actually about me and maybe never was- one of them says to the other something about how she doesn't think they get along. i wonder about pizza or corn. one of the workers says im not playing the game right. i get frustrated. theres obviously no game going on but i admit maybe i'm wrong. a different worker comes out, she seems more upper executive. she takes me to a skinny tower in the station which is a staircase/elevator that allows us to travel to the basement, which she says is where the other levels to the game are. upstairs looked like stew leonards(wood paneled) the basement looks like a creepy abandoned hoaders nest. dark, no windows. i start to feel sinister energy from the exec. she takes me to a tiny room and tells me to look. inside, terrible horrors- body parts and organs and flesh and hair and other messy bodily stuff in a pile. not one person, but an assemblage of parts from multiple. i feel something like a hole in my chest, emotionally. i feel more than fear i feel a manic terror and everything starts to get fuzzy

classroom

on a rollercoaster/train. starts to go up a steep hill than backwards. i expect it. someone behind me wants to fight and i know she wouldnt be able to win. i say i could pick her up by her wrists and ankles and dangle her. the situation is mediated before that happens. walk thru the train to the next car and im out of the train, sort of. in a classroom. its like college but it's harder, maybe grad school because it's more specific. it's the first day and we already have an assignment. the first guy talking about his assignment stands up talking about how he was recently sick and people kept giving him fruit juice to heal and he got so hooked on the juice it became difficult to get off it when he got better and "re-enter the community"
i feel like he is making a stupid joke about addiction so i raise my hand and say i've had that same experience with juice but i don't think it's fair to compare it to the difficulty of re-entering the community when in recovery from substance misuse. the professor is sitting in the back and tells me to avoid commenting on what i like and dislike. i say im not trying to be a critic, its just an opinion from my own lived experience. i feel frustrated and some other people start commenting too. i feel like the prof has something against me. part of the reason i said something was so that i coould get it over with because if i don't say something the first class i feel like i'll never say anything. the class splits in 2, one siding with the juice guy and one siding with me. some of the people who sided with the juice guy have footage of my from highschool in a music video i made with them while i was high on benzos and its kind of cool but mostly disturbing. i say that itsn't me anymore and i can't switch back on my morals. they want to fight at first but the way i say it makes them understand. i worry i made the class so hostile on the first day and maybe i should have just kept my mouth shut

i am a square

visiting someone's fabulous house and i sneak around and notice their diary is stitched onto a long black dress hanging on the wall. i read the diary dress and learn something i was hoping to learn. i pretend i was looking for tissues. i am a square and you are a circle or a rhombus, and i feel jealous. i start to notice more and more the things i want that i don't have, that other people have. most of these things are intangible, they are experiences of connection. even though i may be connecting i am not connecting in the way i want. i am pressed to take photos and talk about what i've learned, i do so in a rush and time seems to pass too quickly. my hair grows long and thick and healthy. i put it in a ponytail. then i'm on a baordwalk looking into the water but the view is as if i am on a plane looking down from high up. i am excited to go to california.

trip out west

i am facetiming my girlfriend and she shows me her empty railroad style apartment. i show her my railroad style apartment too, but from above, as if i am on the ceiling, and then i show. her that i'm on a floor above the apartment in a vacant mall. the walls are coral. i go to her place and we go between wanting to have sex and fighting like dogs. when i go back to my place, there's a bunch of enormous ants with huge stinger butts, and they sting one of my neighbors who promply freaks out. i try to ignore the ants maybe they won't sting me, but, they do, and it's the worst pain imaginable. i leave my place, because of the ants, and find myself at a school looking for my mom who is hunting alligators. my former employer's office is in the school for some reason and i go to visit my old boss. we're so happy to see each other. i have to leave because i'm about to go on a trip, i have a class A rv and i'm travelling with some friends. we get on the road, but eventually we have to park to deal with all the systems (water, sewage, gas, etc) we're all tired and there isn't enough gas to keep going. we notice someone left their garage door open and they don't seem to be home, so we pull into the garage, somehow fitting the whole rv inside. just as we pull inside, a car pulls into the driveway. we hurry to connect to a water contraption and thinking of an excuse like, oh wait we thought this was our home! but we don't have to make any excuses - the woman who gets out of the car is on the older side and she looks happy to see us. she welcomes us into her home and gives us a tour. there are lots of places to sit and to sleep. she preserved her son or grandsons room and its walls are fish tanks with well taken care of fish and fish tank accessories. it looks beautiful. everything is neat. i want to take a picture with the fish and i turn the lights of and the flash on and only the blue lights from the aquarium light up the room and before i can take a picture i remember not to scare the fish. i leave the room instead. the lady who owns the house makes us pancakes and omlettes that look perfect. she says we can stay as long as we like which i think wont be long, but a few days go by and each day the pancakes and omelettes look less and less perfect till they're kind of a mess and im worried about intruding. i say we're going to go west and thank her for her hospitality. shes sad to see us go

3 wheeled motorcycle

romantic feelings that i want to hide. i borrow someone's 3 wheeled motorcycle and take it to a restaurant in a museum. i order expensive pasta and a stranger eats oyters next to me. the oysters are fried and grey and lucky looking, and he dips them in beer. he says i should try one and i say no thanks. i look around the restaurant and see an enormous fish tank takes up two walls from floor to ceiling. i leave and walk back to the motorcycle, but just as i'm about the reach the parking lot a cop car pulls in and gives the motorcycle a ticket and takes it away. i go to police station then dmv office then mayor then president and im hoping no one finds out i dont have the correct license to drive a motorcycle but no one ever finds out because im charming and wearing skimpy clothes. the presidents office is filled with lots of plants and reminds me of florida.

important question

i ask a friend if they ever start to dream when they're awake -- not a dream akin to a wish, but an actual sleep dream. my friend says no. i say i sometimes find myself awake, then asleep for a brief moment, immediately dreaming some thing, then awake again,

traveling flower salesman

staying tmeporarily in an old, well-lit mansion. little to no furniture, except in the basement which seems too spooky to check out. lots of rugs. i see C and we communicate alone for what seems like the first time. he tells me i'm beautiful, and i act surprised. he has to go to work. i ask what do you do for work? he says "travelling flower salesman, but you knew that." i say "i did know that." i go to work with him and he acts surprised when i go into the wrong room. we're at a home depot, i thought we would enter normally. no. there's a secret conference room off to the side, which looks more like a garage. an art show is starting and we have to put a grid of flower pots in someone's parking spot. we carry them one by one to the spot as more people arrive, i lose sight of C. i notice other people i know and talk to them instead of doing the work

regurgitating the past

we walked together near tangled trees that seemed very much alive in the wind. i was happy, i said "i always knew you'd come back" but being around you makes me feel like a dog, and everything becomes disappointing. being in public comes with its own issues, we end up in a corner of some mall not daring to look at each other. i walk away and find a small misshapen flower pot with purple flowers inside to stare at.

looking for a cop

i am back in college, and i am cat sitting. i come back to my dorm to find it broken into by a rude girl who looks like my friend. she doesn't seem to care that she has invaded my space. i tell her to leave and she rolls her eyes and walks out, mumbling annoyance. i realize it was my neighbor. the next day, my room looks different, thing in array, new cables plugged into arious outlets in the wall, my laptop moved. more and more cables each day. then i notice someone stole my ID, some clothes, and somoe money. i leave to cat sit again and when i come back there are more people in my room with the girl who broke in the first time. i tell them to leave and follow them back to their apartment, trying to talk things out. they all get heated and want to fight me and i say if we can't figure this out ourselves i will have no choice but to talk to the police. they all get really mad at me for suggesting that and say i must not care about them. i do, in the grand scheme of things, but what they are doing is not ok. we keep arguing and i leave because nothing is being accomplished. next to their apartment, there are more girls with cables living in the walls who have an evil energy. i think their evilness in the wall must be influencing the people stealing from me.
i talk to some student workers at the school and tell them about my neighbors and the wall people, and one of them says "they've already been found out but you can't make an appeal because your username and password are incorrect" i say they probably changed it because they've been stealing and hacking into my stuff. the student worker says there's still nothing she can do about it until my password is correct. i tell her i want a restraining order and a safe for my stuff and would like to talk to someone else who can help me. she tells me she can help me find a cop to talk to, she knows one in town. i go with her and its dark out and i realize im wearing my pink prom dress from highschool and i don't have any shoes on. she takes me by hand into a bluesy bar in town and we're giggling like it's kind of funny and like oh i wonder if they'll let me in if i don't have shoes on. she tells me not to worry. we search through the bar, which is more like a hotel lobby or an art gallery. the lighting is very warm everything is wood panelled and there's a nice vibe with nice people. we go into different rooms looking for the cop but he isn't there. i say we should find a different cop, and she agrees. when we go outside, its daytime and i have new clothes on and even some shoes. as we walk, she notices a friend of her working at an outdoor archive center. we stop so they can talk to each other. i sit down in the small crowd that has formed because i am a little overwhelmed. some guy walks past me "why are you sitting like that/ why are you just sitting there?" he asks me. "it's a long story," i say and we smile at each other. the girl helping me comes back and we keep walking. i tell her about the guy i talked to and she says she knows who he is and we laugh. instead of continuing to search for a cop with me, the girl decides to leave and find her car which she parked somewhere nearby. i feel frustrated again as she leaves because no i'm dealing with this on my own again. i go into the center of town which looks a bit like my hometown and a bit like provincetown and i immediately find a cop watching traffic. he is sitting on a bicycle with sunglasses and a whistle in his mouth and there is another, younger cop attempting to sit on the bike with him. the younger cop is not wearing a complete uniform. i think he must be in training. they are both staring straight ahead, expressionless. i tell them i need help with something, and if we could talk somewhere in private. the older cop agrees and tells me to follow him. he takes me to a parking garage and we get in his car. he has a lot of trouble backing out and i'm silently judging him but then he gets better at it. he listens to my problem about my neighbors stealing from me and agrees that its fucked up but there's nothing he can do. what a waste. i end up at a new age shop and i'm even more annoyed, looking for a solution. there are two women who own the store and they are eager to listen to me. when i tell them the situation i'm in, they suggest a level 2 diving training. it's diving, from a diving board into a small narrow pool. it seems dangerous. it's more than the sport, they believe there is a process behind it that teached us to let go and trust our intuition. they really think i should become a diver. i am curious and try to begin the training, but when i realize how far down the drop is from the board into the little pool, i bail. i don't know how to dive and i wouldn't be able to plug my nose and why can't i just jump? why do i have to go head first? so i walk out and next to the new age shop is a gun store and i see former president george bush standing outside with some cop-like looking dudes. i'm like jesus christ i don't want to be talking to these guys but they might be my best option at this point. i put on the happiest face i can manage, "wow mr president, hello!" he says "i'm not much of a cop but you can talk to meabout what's going on" i don't know how he knew i was looking for help but i trusted him in that moment and told hi the situation. he listens, but offers no ideas. i decide the best thing for me would be to talk all my stuff and leave because everybody is nuts.

O

concentrating on anything circle or O shaped in the right way allows for time travel and teleportation. i found this out because some guy i didn't know taught me. he opened up a locker and we went with him, to somewhere else. i went back to the locker and nothing happened. the guy ended up dying before he could fully explain the process. i ended up trapped in a house with some others and someone on the outside was planning an invasion. it made us all very nervous. i hid out with some other people and we got away when i channeled all my energy into a circle on the wall.

birthday party

i am at the biggest party. it's a birthday party for me and i've invited everyone -- friends, family, strangers. i rented out a warehouse to have the event because so many people would be coming. i don't even recognize half the poeple there, but i love it. i rent the space for 2 days. the first day = party, drink, dance, feast, etc. second day= activities. i see a hot guy and he winks at me. ooooh, love when that happens. i find out later he is a purse which makes him even hotter. some strangers come up to me while i'm chatting to a friend and they start flirting. i can't help but laugh, because i don't know them, and i know they don't know me. i ask them who they know here and they point to someone random. they probably think i'm random. "this is my party actually, it's my birthday," i say. they both look scared. "we didn't know i'm so sorry we'll leave you alone." yeah, good idea. me and my friend can't stop laughing at the absurdity of the guys and the gals and all the interactions.we have so much fun. we go to sleep, there is a hotel in the warehouse. when we wake up, the warehouse looks different. it's activity day. there's a weird and confusing escalator that goes between floors and actvity rooms. there's a basement for a big lunch, a gymnasium for basketball, an arts & crafts room, and an enormous dressing room and runway. we're supposed to travel to each room as a group for an allotted amount of time but i get bored and go between all of them on my own. i can peer into little windows outside of the rooms and i notice other groups and parties. my huge party isn't the only huge party here! i feel like i shouldn't intrude, but i do anyways because i find the dressing room. as another party is getting all dressed up, i try on the softest pajamas ever. i look to the right and see 100s of people i've never seen before dressed head to toe in high fashion couture getting ready to walk the runway. they look so serious. my pajams don't match but they're so soft. i want to find the hot guy/purse who winked at me yesterday. someone reads my mind and tells me the guy i'm looking for does research. hot. i can't decide if i should go back to my party and tell everyone that the party is over. or if i should just keep going. there's a whole half a day left. i somehow find my way back to the basement where my original party is and we all decide, fuck the activites. we turn the lights off and the music up and start dancing again. it's way more fun than the activities. i end up gossiping with a friend on the couch. i love watching everyone else have fun. someone comes up to me and tells me they are so sad that all good things have to end. i haven't thought of it that way at all. is that what everyone's thinking? that they're sad things will end? i am just happy to dance and gossip. i start to feel alienated again and go on a walk in the woods. everyone else will be leaving soon too.

car ride

friends named clary and clarity, but i keep feeling like those aren't their real names. i want to go home. a friend offered to drive me. "you have a car in the city?" i ask, surprised. "yeah, and i got a great parking spot." we go outside and it goes from light to dark in an instant. she takes me to a garage and opens the car door for me. the car looks lika a pig, i's cartoonish and pink with a pig nose in the front and pig like ears as mirrors. it's also a convertable. not sure what to say. i get in, but i get in the wrong way. getting in is like a maze, which i'm not used to. the car is cute but confusing. she gets in too and i realize i'm in the back because i didn't know how to get in. she say's it's fine and it is fine and she drives me home and there's nothing to worry about and the sky gets lighter again

vacation

i'm in cape cod and there's a little horse on my grandma's deck. i feel really bad for it, so i let it inside. it starts running all over the place like mad. i can't catch it. the horse ceases to exist. everyone comes home and i say i need a shower. all the bathrooms are being renivated, so i have to shower somewhere else. i remember i booked a hotel room for this exact reason. so i drive to the hotel with some of my other family members in case they wanted to shower too. i'm also really hungry. maybe we'll eat at the hotel. when we get there, i realize i don't have the hotel key because i gave it to someone who lost it. i don't want to admit it's kind of my fault, so i don't. we don't tell the people working at the hotel for some reason, we just go to the restaurant. there's a buffet and salad bar, and dessert. i look into a metal vat on one of the tables, it is filled with water and floatin blue and pink sweets with cute charcters drawn on and shapped in curious ways. i can't tell what it is. i decide not to eat it, because it kind of scare me. i eat salad instead.